20 THiNGS YU DNT KN0W

1. When I was in kindergarten I tripped on a rug and knocked out one of my front teeth .. a week later I knocked the other one out .
2. I have a secret love affair with chipotle, powdered doughnuts, and cold stone banana cameral crunch .
3. My first hard drink was gin and coke at the tender age of 13 or 14 .
4. Smoked weed when I was in 8th grade and moderately throughout high school – smoked heavy at Morgan State (my how shit changes) .
5. I voted for Hillary then Obama !
6. I Don’t open up to people anymore and I finally know the reason why ! When I was in middle school/ high school I had 2 best friends . One story : I told her everything . One day in 2007 I guess her bf told her to stop talking to me and she obeyed . Keep in mind this “boyfriend” doggd her treated her like shit when she did all she could do and beyond for him . Who covered for her when she went up to Boston to see him . . me . Who sat on the phone with them when they talked because she wasn’t supposed to be talking to him .. me . Who listened to you bitch .. me & your just gonna chalk 5 ½ yrs of friendship ? Ok true . Second story : I told him everything . He was always there long story short . He was like the total package I never had . He died of congested heart failure in 2008 . After 6 yrs of a good heathly relationship he was taken away from me . So make your own assumption of why I don’t open up .
7. I push people away .
8. I don’t have a lot of friends who are females who know everything about me . 9. I don’t know how to love .
10. I want a perfect relationship . But I know I won’t get one . So I don’t try . ANYM0RE !
11. In the summer I like to sleep naked .
12. I like to walk around with no bra in M.V. & chase my roomies !
13. I go everywhere with my Cookie Monster .
14. I drink a gallon of water during Spring & Summer .
15. I like to fuck with people when I’m bored .
16. I think children and I share a common ground . I'm a big kid !
17. I have 3 husbands : Common , Young Jeezy & Andre 3000
18. People fall in love with me and I don't know why but somehow they know why . It's scary . & I don't like it .
19. I've been to 2 concerts my whole life : Prince in 2005 & Mary J. and Jay - Z in 2008
20. You will never run into another female like me . I'm the defenition of

♥ 0 R i G i N A L

B U R R !

Its funny how I think I found something new in someone else but it’s only a matter of time that, that something new was merely a mistake. You sat here and said that you weren’t here to hurt me and that you wouldn’t do me wrong, but somehow I think that was miscommunication. As soon as I let all my insecurities and guards down completely I end up being in a situation that I tried to avoid. Now I can’t stop questioning you or this thing we call a relationship. I can’t help but think that you, the person that I thought had my best interest at heart, doesn’t. You didn’t have to lie to me – I was the one person that you didn’t have to lie to. I never asked for you to lie to me or sugar coat anything – but this is what happened to me in the past, I’m more open to sharing my self with others then they are with me. You would think that I would learn but stupid me I haven’t learned a bit. But of course you know all about my past. You know of all the bullshit I’ve been through. You even said it yourself; you know why I push you away you know why I act how I act, so why would you out of all people not tell me the truth. You can’t just say sorry and expect my feelings to go back to what they were. You can’t expect me to not question you and your intentions. My mindset is back to what it was in the beginning – which was fucked up. All the progress I had made and the progress I am making is out the door and I am now back at square one, where I didn’t want to be and I don’t know how or when to start again.

SAME SHiT DiFFERENT RELATi0NSHiP

same ol shit .. thought being faithful was easy but these past few relationships been some bullshit .. when I'm all over yungin i feel like I'm doing too much smootherthing slim but when I'm not .. I'm "doing something I'm not supposed to be doing" .. so how bout i just shut the fuck down .. fuck this .. i cant win and i finally realize that .. i dnt have to explain myself i shouldn't cuz I'm treating yu like yur my best friend .. im treating yu like someone that i lost who felt like .. like he could of been my twin (r.i.p. joshua ryan) .. am i being paranoid ? am i feeling the wrong way ? am i putting my heart my feelings myself first ? or am i doing what i should be which is protecting myself from being hurt .. again .. it feels like everything i do is the wrong move so what if i give him what hes been asking for . i mean i know it wont make anything better but still . I'm just frustrated and i .. i guess I'm just over everything .. shutting down is the best move for me to make so i guess thats my final answer .. 08 was sum bullshit .. lets see how shit is in 09 ..

WHO SED iT BEST :

FLOETRY:

im so scared that you'll hurt me i see the memoires we replayed same space face bodies i know theres a method to your maliness ..

0R

ADELE :

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhereI build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

r.i.p. joshua come bac = /

BLAH ..

It takes a long time to heal .. and so I apologize for the double plastered, steel coated war barricade conveniently barricading my heart. Rome wasn't built in a day, but Hiroshima was destroyed in a millisecond.

They didn't realize what they were doing to me. An honestly, neither did I. The parasitic assholes drained my vessels of all the love I could hold, replacing my warmth with an intolerable frigidity. Glaciating my heart over layer by layer with sheets of insecurity and masculine solidity.

And so I apologize for the extra effort it may require to filter though the bullshit the previous have thrown upon it. I understand that it is not your fault, but unfortunately, you shall bear this tiresome load; my unwillingness to love.

Memories push piercing pins through my heart putting pressure on places that hurt the most.

It takes a long time to heal ..

QUESTi0NS F0R THiS L0VELY SUNDAY

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?

If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?

If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

REAL FRM FAKE S0ME0NE BREAK THiS DWN !

WHY is being fake the “in” thing to do now a days ? Like I just dnt get it ? Is it just me or does it seem like the border (?) people are the more bullshit they start ? I mean I know the wrd on the streets is, is ‘if yu got a lot of haters then your doing something right’ but I mean is it that many niggas and bitches out here there anywhere that dnt have shit better to do then talk about other people ? And it seems like that all of the mother fuckers that talk about ‘fuck haters’ and ‘im real’ or whatever are the main and let me stress main, ones who are fuckin running their mouths about shit they dnt know shit about . Hold on let me say that again : all of the mother fuckers that talk about ‘fuck haters’ and ‘im real’ or whatever are the main ones who are fuckin running their mouths about shit they dnt know shit about .

M0ViNG 0N ..

Like I guess my problem is, is that I dnt understand this shit at all . Like my life is really yur entertainment isn’t it ? Dnt yu think that the wrld would be a better place and life would be smoother if mafuckas just kept it movin and minded their own business ?

I mean everyone has talked shit about someone at some point and time . . whether its yur right hand man or a person yu dnt like at all . But how many people can say that they have actually confronted that person and said EXACTLY what they said about them ? I have . . I mean why the fuck not ?

THATS THE DiFFERENCE BETWEEN BEiNG FAKE AND BEiNG REAL ..

A real nigga or bitch would . H0W are yu going to talk about a person and not say what yu said to their face ? LET alone talk shit not knowing that its gonna come back to yu ? Because some how the person yur talking shit about is some how connected to the person yur telling the shit to . . (i.e. talking shit to Monica not knowin that Monica is friends with Beths best friend . Meaning Beth who yur talking shit about is gonna hear from her best friend whose also friends with Monica .)

I JUST DNT GET IT !

Someone break this shit dwn for me so I can understand it all . It feels like every year or every semester the circle of friends and associates that I have get shorter and shorter because at the end of the day they just don’t make the cut .

Its not hard . . theres only 1 rule its like a family a mafia . . what I say to yu is to yu what yu say to me is to me . . do yu tell everyone what yur families tell yu when yu know yu shouldnt tell all yur families business ?


I have spoken be gone !

..MiSSiNG YU DEEPLY

i WAS T0LD THAT iF YU PUT G0D FiRST THEN YU W0ULD NEVER FEEL L0NELY WHEN A MAN LEAVES YU .. AND i D0NT AND DiDNT FEEL L0NELY WHEN HE LEFT 0R HE LEFT 0R SURPRiSNGLY WHEN HE LEFT .. BUT WHEN YU LEFT ME i WAS L0ST .. HURT .. HURT CANT DESCRiBE WAT i FEEL .. LiKE i WAS N0 iM TRYiNG T0 FiND MY WAY AGAiN N0 STiLL .. BECAUSE WHAT WE HELD WAS S0METHiNG THAT WAS S0 SACRED AND SPECiAL T0 ME, S0METHiNG THAT i NEVER HAD WiTH AN0THER PERS0N MALE 0R FEMALE .. iT WAS LiKE WE WERE TWiNS .. AND i FELT WAT YU FELT YU FELT WHAT i FELT BUT S0ME H0W THE C0NNECTi0N WE HELD WAS FUCKD UP AND i S0MEH0W MiSSED THE MEM0 WHEN HE CALLED YU T0 STAY WiTH HiM .. WHAT D0ES A PERS0N D0 WHEN THEY L0SE A BESTFRiEND .. WHAT AM i SUPP0SED T0 FEEL .. WiLL THE FEELiNG G0 AWAY ? MY DREAMS HAUNT ME (STiLL) .. i WAKE UP BUT YUR STiLL N0T HERE .. AND iTS LiKE N00NE UNDERSTANDS 0R W0ULD UNDERSTAND BECAUSE WE WERE DiFFERENT FRM THEM .. N0 MATTER WHERE i SEARCH F0R iT N00NE TALKS T0 ME LiKE YU D0 .. N00NE SMiLES LiKE YU D0 .. N0 0NE WRiTES LiKE YU D0 .. N00NE CARES LiKE YU D0 .. WHEN i NEEDED YU THE M0ST YU WERENT HERE .. WHEN i C0ULDNT SLEEP i C0ULDNT JUST CALL CUZ i W0ULD 0NLY HEAR THE HURT iN HER V0iCE .. S0NGS DNT C0NS0LE ME ANYM0RE .. WHY DiD YU HAVE T0 MAKE SUCH A MARK iN MY LiFE WHERE i FEEL H0W i D0 .. S0 N0W iM LEFT HERE SEEMiNGLY T0 R0T.. TRYNA LiVE MY LiFE H0W i SH0ULD .. BUT THERES STiLL S0METHiNG MiSSiNG .. CUZ THiS V0iD iN MY HEART W0NT FiLL .. & iM REALiZiNG N00NE L0VES ME LiKE YU DiD .. N0 MATTER H0W MUCH THEY SAY THEY D0 .. S0 i DiD WHAT YU T0LD ME N0T T0 D0 .. i PUSHD PE0PLE AWAY .. THEN i REALiZED i DNT WANT THiNGS T0 G0 UNSAiD S0 i BEGAN T0 GRASP WHAT i C0ULD AND TRY T0 H0LD 0N .. BUT i GUESS i WAS S0MEWHAT T00 LATE .. CUZ REGARDLESS i L0ST iT .. MAYBE i SH0ULD 0F TAPED MY HANDS T0 H0LD 0N T0 iT .. ? 0UT 0F ALL THE iSH iVE BEEN THR0UGH iN THE PAST FEW M0NTHS THE 0NLY THiNG i AM DiSSATiSFiED WiTH iS THE L0ST 0F YU .. i L0ST THE 0NE i CALLED MY HEART , i C0ULD 0F DiED TWiCE .. BUT BY CHANCE iM STiLL HERE .. H0W iS THAT ? BUT YU MY FRiEND YU ARE FAR S0 FAR AWAY FRM ME .. THAT iF i WANTED T0 DRiVE ALL THE WAY T0 R0AN0KE VA i W0ULDNT EVEN BE ABLE T0 CUZ i W0ULDNT BE ABLE T0 SEE YUR SMiLiNG FACE .. iD GiVE UP EVERYTHiNG i HAD JUST T0 SiT NEXT T0 YU iN THE GRASS AND JUST HAVE A L0NG TALK WiTH YU .. EVEN iF iTS F0R 0NE DAY 0R 2 HRS 0R 10 MiNS .. iD TAKE WHAT i C0ULD iF i WERE PR0MiSED T0 SEE YU 0NE M0RE TiME .. WE W0ULDNT EVEN HAVE T0 TALK iD BE SATiSFiED WiTH BEiNG iN YUR PRESENCE .. iF YU CANT TELL i CANT SLEEP BUDDY .. AND SEE i DNT KN0W iF YU N0TiCED BUT i L0ST MY BESTFRiEND LAST DEC .. iVE BEEN NUMB SiNCE MAY AND i DNT KN0W H0W T0 C0PE .. S0 F0R N0W iM STUCK DWN HERE D0iNG WHAT YU EXPECT 0UT 0F ME AND F0R N0W iM SiGNiNG 0FF .. REST iN PARADiSE J0SHUA ..
01.05.87 T0 DEC. 2007